THE TRENCH

Mo Farah signs for Arsenal

2012-01-31T15:34:00.001-08:00

Racist Liverpool fan was 'Bernard Mannings ' love child

2012-01-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

A Liverpool fan who has been arrested & charged with Racism at the weekends game following racist taunts at Man Us 'Patrice Evra ' appeared in court today claimed he had been struck down with a temporary bout of colour blindness when he shouted out 'whos the Bsterd in the Black ' & it was not aimed at the black united player.

His defense team claim the racist outburst was in fact aimed at the Ref along with the monkey noises but were misheard by the stewarts the fact that the ref was wearing a yellow top added to his colour confusion .

The fan who also claims to be the love child of the deceased & much loved Racist Comedian 'Bernard Manning ' told the court how he grew up in the 1970s where such racist behavour was acceptable espcially in the Manning household & blamed his father for bringing him up that way .

Back then they even allowed racist TV adverts with Chimps advertising Typhoo Tea which had clearly affected him ,as a child he grew up thinking it was appropiate to act like a Chimp in public which is why he acted on impulse at the football match .

grew up in 70s
bernard manning brain wash
whos bstdr in the black

Treasure hunters wreck havoc on Costa Concordia wreck

2012-01-30T07:56:00.000-08:00

Treasure hunters & tourists have been accused of searching for sick momentoes on the stricken liner 'Costa Concordia' whilst many more turn up to pose for photos

Whilst the ships owners have yet to come to decession over wether to fund a salvage operation they have been approached by number of companies with ideas one of them from a local nude scuba divers club .

The plan is to use the ocean liner as an artifcial reef where ' Nude muff divers ' can explore the submerged wreck the Club members have already posed for photos which will appear in the 2013 holiday brochure for thier company which 'Promotes Mediterranean Snorkeling Holidays for Naturist families ' .

Anougher offer is from a Hong Kong Hotel chain which already owns the 'Queen Mary ' which boasts the worlds only semi submerged floating Hotel , where it plans to turn the Liner into a simular venture but have quashed rumours that the 'Costa Concordia ' Captain has already been approached as Hotel Manager .

Ozzie madge in Kidnap ordeal

2012-01-30T04:39:00.000-08:00

Australian PM 'Madge ' was at the center of a kidnap scare last night as an over zealous Body guard turned stalker by declaring his under lying love for her and trying to bundle her into the back of a waiting limmo .

'All hell broke lose as the Ozzie PM who had been swearing in some local natives for Australian citizenship when she commented 'the natives are revolting ' reffering to the camel dung & Kangeroo droppings smeared on their bodies a tradition amongst aboriginal natives .

HRH The Queen ' phoned Madge to express her concern over her man handling by secruity staff offering to send out some British Royal body guards who know how to treat a lady

Under Royal Protocol 'The Queen ' is not to be touched ,prodded or poked by any male member including her husband , of course the British first lady knows how to conduct herself in such extreme circumstances as in most parts of the third world local tribes & natives worship her as a 'Living God ' .

Madge is reported to be at home recovering & concidering her marriage in view of the new offer from her Personal body guard as under Aboriginal law the big chief is allowed as many partners as they want .

Airfix apply for Costa Concordia scale model rights

2012-01-30T02:55:00.000-08:00

Customs Grizzley find after asking 'Did you pack your own bag '

2012-01-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

Easy Jet have been accused of providing poor service & hampering a murder investigation by Orish Detectives investigating 'The body in suitcase murder ' of a young woman

The body which was found at Dublin Airport over the weekend would normaly have been an 'open & shut case ' say detectives but due to baggage handlers strike the suitcase was not discovered for over a week in the loading bay .

Police have come up with number of theorys regarding the body of the women of African orgin , one is that she tried to smuggle herself through customs but Easy Jet lost the luggage which was then sent to anougher destination by mistake and the poor women either suffocated or starved to death .

Other theorys are she was a contestant in the 'World hide an seek championships ' which were held in Dublin last month,police are also following a tip off that a mans body that was also found in a trunk few days ago & may have been the poor womans husband in an arranged marriage that went tragicaly wrong when the couple tried to save on air fare by travelling 'Air freight '.

RBS declare bankers bonus Tax free

2012-01-29T09:39:00.000-08:00

The huge bonus awarded to RBS chief 'Stephen Hester ' has been declared lose change as bosses claim the 963,000 £s was found down the back of the chief executives office sofa & other furniture in its hundreds of branches by nervous customers asking for a loan & is not taxable .

David Cameron defended bankers bonuses praising bosses for coming up with new ways of raising capital by holding street collections & other fund raising measures for poverty hit banks and thier chairmen .

In seperate issue the Government blamed the 'cash in hand culture ' for feeding the recession in the UK & promised to look into ways of raising VAT on charity collections ,street beggars & pensioners who save all thier pennies up to take to those supermarket small change sorting machines .

Somebody hacking at my phone

2012-01-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

Paul Cartney is the lastest one of a long list of celebs queing up for free hand outs from the 'Leveson enquirey '

During the long media fueld enquirey many has beens & infamous celebs and pop stars most rubbished by the press never to be heard of again their lives and reputations ruined have surfaced for their share of the hand outs .

For some faded pop stars its the only time they will ever recieve royaltys on their past carears

Paul McCartney even wrote song about his phone being hacked part of the lyrics include " some one hacking at my phone someone listening in Dont open the door & or let em in "

The Leveson hacking enquirey started with best of intentions interviewing normal members of the public whos phones had been hacked but soon desended into farce from the compensation motivated celeb culture who would sell their souls to anyone who would listen if the price is right .

Japanese offer guided tours of nuclear reactor

2012-01-20T07:17:00.000-08:00

The Japanese are to offer guided tours of the damaged nuclear reactors at Fuckishma making the most of their situation after the tragic earth quake which has seen tourism drop dramaticaly .

The tours are the first stage of a Japanese style Disney theme park for Nuclear engineers & heads of state who will be shown around the reactors as part of Bus man holiday amongst the many scientists and experts that are expected to visit the country .

Fuckishma is also expected to be twinned with 'Chernobyl ' to help boost tourism & encourage friendship amongst its people .

Dudley women are not ugly claims Lenny

2012-01-20T07:04:00.000-08:00

You can take the lad out of Dudley but you cant take Dudley out of the comedian or so it seems

Black country comedian 'Lenny Henry ' has hit back at an MP that called 'Lennys home town ugly accusing him of insulting not only his former wife 'Dawn French ' but all black country girls .

Lenny Henry ' whos carear has taken tumble recently after he came down with 'Comedy block ' a condition where Comedians are no longer funny as their humour has moved on just like Jasper Carrot ' 'Lenny made his name by Telling stories about his child hood in 'Dudley ' during the 60s/70s but its no longer fashionable to admit to child poverty .

Dudley is one the worst areas of the UK affected by obesity amongst young women with 6/10 women now suffering from ' fat feeding ' where husbands or partners 'who like em fat ' force their wives to eat bread & dripping ,chips fried in lard & pork scratchings which are traditional black country comfort food .

Dudley is also the traditional home of the 'Fat Slags ' made famous in the 'VIz comic ' & anougher one of 'Lenny ' next TV projects which would have stared his former wife 'Dawn French ' .

Lennys long term marriage to BBW 'Dawn French ' recently ended in divorce after he found out she was secretly dieting the weight loss began to affect thier bedroom antics as 'Dawn ' refused to take part in sex sessions involving face sitting & BBW smothering ,where men get a sexual thrill from being crushed during sex .

" I realised that it wasnt natural " said 'Dawn ' " Lenny only wanted me for my huge size 20 body "

Oh Gadd hes back !!

2012-01-19T14:15:00.000-08:00

Gary Glitter launched the 'Mother of all comebacks ' yesterday on Twitter as the social networking site was on melt down 'Gazza ' annouced a come back tour & an Autobiography in the pipe line

Gary Glitter or Paul Gadd as it says on his passport so long the butt of many kiddie porn jokes who has sold more news papers than 'Rupert Murdoch ' single handly kept the 'Sun ' news papers two headed beast above financial water during his Trial for down loading Kiddie porn during the 90s .

Gary tweeted his fans thanking them for the support ' Im really touched ...oh yea !! ' amongst the celebrity fans who tweeted their approval was 'Pete Townsend' no 'stranger Danger ' to kiddie porn himself after being arrested for frequenting online Child Pornography tweeted 'Good luck with the book m8 ,is it available in P.D.F file format ' .

Also 'Rolf Harris ' tweeted ' good on yer m8 give the kids a treat ' Rolf had his own battle with Paedophilia after he was arrested for wearing a G string in a public swimming pool whilst surrounded by young kids more than three decades ago.

For most middle aged generation who grew up with his foot stomping 70s music it will be a nostalgic trip down memory lane when he had hair and many still 'remember him this way ' but whole new generation of kids have yet to discover him & many parents will struggle to describe him to their off spring other than 'The working mans Elvis ' .

Robert Plant off the critical list

2012-01-19T06:39:00.000-08:00

Heavy metal guru 'Robert Plant ' has survived a health scare and is off the critical list after lapsing into a coma at last nights FA Cup Tie between midland rivals Wolves & Bham city .

Robert Plant a life long wolverhampton supporter had flown in from LA especialy for the football match which has been discribed by TV pundits as the most boring F A cup tie in the competitions history sending many to bed early .

The 'Led Zepplin ' front man part of the Black country heavy metal band which have sold millions of records & were famous for thier 15 min guitar solos during concerts which bored the pants off fans was rushed by paramedics from the ground after he collasped into a coma but speaking from his hospital bed he 'applogised to fans for inflicting such pain & misery on them for decades on behalf of his band & after suffering 90mins of last nights game quashed rumours of a come back '.

Robert Plant ' had planned to take in anougher football game at the weekend between local rivals Aston villa & wolves but after following the advice from his doctors has decided to fly back home & watch basket ball instead .

Kodak falls back down to Earth

2012-01-19T06:17:00.000-08:00

Kodak the iconic Photography brand has filed for bankruptcy after a huge drop in sales of its cameras

It seems that the Kodak company failed to evolve into the new Digi revolution as there is no call for its Brownie cameras or SLR reel to reel film anymore the company hit trouble shortly after 'David Bowie ' invented the new Digi film less camera in the 1980s which was offered to Kodak but turned down as it would never catch on .

David Bowie a pop star legend fell to earth in the 1980s and quickly became an Alien life form in 'Ziggy stardust and spiders from Mars ' where he was given advanced technology from the cosmos in the form of a camera that never needed any film and had limitless storage faciltys .

But it was ridiculed and laughed at by Kodak & its rivals who claimed that the digi camera was a toy & would never replace large SLR cameras which were once worn as status symbols during the 70s '80s around the necks of sexual perverts who would stalk glamorus young women claiming to fashion photographers offering modeling contracts in exchange for them getting their tits out.

But just like the dinosaurs the reel to reel died out after the invention of the internet & lap top computer & eventually mobile phone as tiny digi cameras gained in popularity which meant anyone could take pics of their genitals & publish them on facebook or online without having to suffer the embarrasment of having them developed at Boots the chemist or sending them away anomus to have them processed via mail order .

Ericksson gives Labour leader the thumbs up

2012-01-15T09:34:00.000-08:00

The Labour party are to appoint former England manager 'Sven Ericksson ' as an advisor to' Ed Milliband ' Labour leaders who still deny that there is a problem with their leadership & they made the wrong chioce from 'David Milliband ' after finding out that Eds ' childhood was spent as special needs case.

The plan is for 'Erickson ' who managed to get away with creating the illusion that the England football team had a chance of winning the World cup for so long that many football fans believed him eventually is to convince the General public including Labour supporters that 'Ed Milliband ' is electable to run the country .

" if we keep telling the public that there is nothing wrong with Ed Milliband & he is a Prime minister in waiting " eventually just like the England Football as potential world champions they will believe us " said a Labour spokeman .

But critics warn that its been over 40 years since England last won the world cup and can the British public wait that long for the Con-Libs to be removed from power as by that time 'Ed Milliband ' will have built up enough public trust .

HS2 Tickets will be £3,000 one way say critics .

2012-01-15T07:48:00.000-08:00

'Mike Bannister ' a former Test Pilot who flew 'Concorde ' has expressed his reservations at the long term success of the HS2 rail link speaking at a special 'Concorde ' re union he said " Just like Concorde its doomed to failure " " its great idea and will reduce the time it takes to reach Birmingham but will the public be able to afford the tickets "

Concorde was great invention traveling at super sonic speed it cut the time to NewYork to '6-7hrs ' but cost so much to make & run ticket prices were £3,000 one way and the only people who were able to afford the price were the Rich & Famous & Celebs which eventually led to its demise and its scrapping.

Anti HS2 supporters say that the 83 billion it will cost to build the high speed line will mean that tickets will be a simular price to Concorde & rail operators will be runnning empty carriages just like Concorde & using the line will become a Novelty for groups like German Tourists & lottery winners as the public wont be able to afford to use it .

Hitler invented recycling

2012-01-12T07:04:00.000-08:00

Charity shops have been accused of acting like Nazis in their drive to collect even more donations from the already over stretched public

Once most charities were content with old clothes or brick a back to sell in their shops to raise funds for needy people but in recent years the trend has been to ask house holders to not only donate the shirts off their backs but also Old Jewellery ,spectacles , shoes 'sets of false teeth including gold fillings & even hair .

Now some charity shops have been compared to the Nazis & German Riech who invented recycling during the 1930s by stripping unfortunate victims sent to the thier deaths in the concentration camps of clothing & anything useful for recycling to be sent back to German cities to help the German war effort .

New evidence unveiled by war historians has revealed that it was 'Hitlers ' orginal intentions to open up a number of Charity shops to help the poor and needy German people during the great Depression that swept the country during the 1930s by stripping the wealthy & Jewish community of anything valuable .

a German charity shop with public donations (right)

Unfortunatley it all went sadly wrong when German charity workers acting on behalf of the 'Red Cross ' and 'war on want ' were not content with collecting bags of unwanted clothing around doors and got greedy .

The Uk charity commision have warned that the general public is at breaking point regarding charity donations to greedy shops and the public have accused them of being worse than the Nazis by asking for blood donations & finger nail clippings & even Body organs by 'Kidney Research ' & 'British heart foundation' .

millions of Jelly Fish go tits up !!

2012-01-12T05:03:00.000-08:00

Real implants (left) hard to tell the differance with the fakes

The RSPCA are investigating after Millions of cosmetic breast implants found washed up on a beaches around the French & English coast may have been mistaken for Jelly Fish the toxic implants are harmfull to humans and can give a painful sting if touched or squeezed .

Enviromental health officers say it looks like thosands of tons of the Silcon waste may have been dumped at sea from a passing container ship loaded with unwanted Breast Implants that had been sent back to France 'it appears that the captain made a boob & opened the container doors by mistake " .

Meanwhile Oceanographers say it could explain the huge drop in Jelly Fish numbers over the years as there is a growing black market amongst fishermen who sell the Jelly fish which fetch high price , to unscrupulous Plastic sturgeons to pass off as fake Breast implants .

Madge tells muslims to obey shiela law

2012-01-12T04:37:00.000-08:00

Australian PM has told all migrants expecting to settle in Oz that they must obey Shiela law or sod off back home .

The speach aimed at a packed Muslim audiance at a Australian citizen swearing in day was in response to some male Muslim migrants wanting to rule their women & wear the trousers in Ozzie homes a practise that died out generations ago amongst Australian women .

In some Muslim counries under Islamist law husbands can show affection for their wives my stoning them to death if they are unnhappy with the cleaning or want a divorce but in Australia its the men of the house that get stoned usauly at the Barbie .

Madge has black womens @rse

Transvestite 'Madge ' the first Ozzie prime minister to have a pair of bollox was responding to some critics that accused her of being a cunt by setting aside at least one day year which will be declared 'Shiela day ' in celebration of women .

TV chef shoplifting case could see copy cat crimes

2012-01-09T04:14:00.000-08:00

Cerial shop lifter & TV chef 'Antony Worral Thompson 'has been sacked by 'waitrose ' after his arrest for shop lifting at Tesco which could see a number of copy cat crimes committed by other celeb chefs in supermarkets around the country.

'Waitrose ' press office say 'they are dissapointed that Antony chose a mayor rival over themselves & would have preffered he stole from the Co-op instead as nobody shops there except for desperate house bound pensioners '.

Rivals Sainsburys & Morrisons & other brand leaders are anxious not to be left behind in the publicity stakes as' celebrity shop lifting' becomes the next big thing in the advertising world and is far cheaper than all those expensive TV ads .

Already there has been a surge in shoplifting at Tesco as the general public & sex starved middle aged women race to their nearest high st store to emulate their hero in action as wine & cheese thefts rocket !!.

Sainsburys head chef 'Jamie Oliver ' who fronts a multi million pound Ad campainge for the supermarket has already been head hunted by rival chains & 'Delia Smith ' has already been stripped searched by her local supermarket secruity .

Eric cantona wades in on Racist fan taunts

2012-01-08T13:56:00.000-08:00

Man utd Legend 'Eric Cantona ' has become involved in the 'Adeyemi ' race hate case accusing todays proffesional footballers of being a' bunch of whimps '

The oldham footballer allowed himself to become involved in a heated outburst against Liverpool fans in last weeks F A Cup game against Liverpool after fans racialy abused him from the pitch side .

'Eric Cantona ' during his carear in 1990s The Frenchman was known as the hardest man in football and was not only feared on the pitch but after his infamous 'Kung fu ' kick attack on a Crystal palace fan for which he recieved a long ban , he was feared off it too .

"Todays footballers should take the law into their own hands & sort it out on the pitch " said the great man " after recieving his lengthy ban Cantona bragged" it was well worth it " " players need to stand up to abusive fans backwhen I was a player footballers didnt need off field police or lawyers help if they had a grievance against each other theyd break the players leg or take them on in the tunnel after the game " he laughed in his crazy brocken English accent .

meryl streep to play 'Eva braun'

2012-01-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

After the successful screening of Meryl Streeps ' lastest film 'The Iron Lady ' in which she played 1980s 'Tory Tyrant ' 'Magret thatcher ' portraying her human side as in the gentle touch the Oscar nominated actress has already been cast in her next role .

'Mrs Browns Boy ' named after the Brown shirts worn by the Nazi party during the rise to power is the bio pic of 'Eva Braun ' Hitlers mistress who dared to love the monster that murdered millions Hitler will be played by movie legend 'Tom Cruise ' to give the film a touch of realism '

Script writers say that ' Adolf Hitler ' was misunderstood and wasnt really Evil murdering hundreds of thosands of innocent people was just his idea of fun and his way of proving his love for 'Eva Brown '.

Black Panther extinct

2011-12-19T11:21:00.000-08:00

Donald Nielson ' self named 'The Black Panther ' has died in captivity 'Nielson ' jailed for life for the kidnapp &murder of 'Leslie Whittle ' in the 1970s passed away in his cell was discovered by fellow in mate his corspe had been around for some time turning into the Pink Panther .

The Black Panther ' one coolest names for a cerial killer in the 1970s was Glam rock no nonsense version of 'Roul Moat ' and much harder coined a number of jokes at the time amongst skool kids one of them one of the sickest

" what green & hang downs drains "

ans ; " Leslie Whittle "

Chris Hitchens off to meet his maker

2011-12-16T04:19:00.000-08:00

Acclaimed author and self confessed atheist 'Chris Hitchens ' has passed away from cancer at the age of 63 the writer who once admitted he didnt believe in a God has asked for a simple funeral in the primates quarters of London Zoo where the lesson will be read by the second greatest evolutionist naturalist 'David Attenboro ' after which his body will be sent to meet his maker 'Charles Darwin ' .

Carlos the Jackel guilty of wearing fake 70s designer glasses

2011-12-16T04:03:00.001-08:00

Dont make me Angry warns 'Ed Milliband'

2011-12-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

In a recent survey carried out by the BBC Comedy club Labour leader 'Ed Milliband ' was voted the least likely person to be impersonated by impressionists including top political satirist 'Jon Culshaw ' who would rather take on a piece of cardboard live on stage which has more of a personalty .

Not since' Micheal Foot 'has a Labour leader been so unpopular with the countries voters but poor 'Ed ' does have his supporters amongst his own party faithfull who warned critics not to make him angry just like 'David Banister ' in the 'incredible Hulk ' " you wont like him when hes angry " .

Brother David recalls as small boys how one day someone damaged 'Eds' Rolf harris recording of 'Two little boys ' " thats the only time Ive seen him lose it " recalls David " he hit the roof " added Dave .

TB or not TB

2011-12-15T04:27:00.000-08:00

The Government are try to eradicate TB from the UK by culling Eastern Europeans ,Africans & other thirds world migrants who are carrying the decease into the country by being allowed through Britains borders unvaccinated against infectious viruses .

The move follows a cover up by immergration officials who have blamed the sudden outbreak of TB on Badgers being smuggled in by migrants & other much loved soft fury animals who were kept as pets the conspiracy had even spread to farmers who claimed that cattle had been infected by TB via other childrens characters like Tufty the Squirrel when east european workers who are employed in their thosands on farms had been in contact with the Cattle passing the TB on to them .

Cameron pays off 'The Mob '

2011-12-15T04:02:00.000-08:00

David Cameron ' is to make available nearly half billion pounds to pay off 120,000 problem famlies in Britain the lucky famlies will recieve over £3,000 pounds each as long as they promise to stay out of trouble & promise not to riot,loot or take to the streets or cause trouble at the Olympics.

The payoff is seen as clime down by the Government on its hard line approach to the social under classes the money is expected to come from other benefits that have been taken off the sick or Disabled or the dead .

The famlies in question will be singled out for Trouble payments if they sign up to a contract of non agressive behavour on threats they will recieve a visit from the 'Jehovahs Witnesess ' or other religious groups to tell them how to live their lives correctly & become good fellas .

Mysterious case of 'Jona ' found dead on Destroy-her

2011-12-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

A touchy female Navy Recruit & staunch Lesbian has been found dead on board HMS Petticoat a Royal Naval Destroy-her after taking an over dose of sea sick pills .

Paraniod rating 'Mary Celest ' had pervioulsy become upset after comments & sexual harrasment made by her commanding officer who had called her 'Sweet Heart ' when giving her a bunk up down below she also complained about sex disscrimination when a fellow wren had fallen over board to shouts of 'Man over board ' from male collegues .

Other lewd comments made by male crew after the ship docked in a south west port were 'Ship shape & Bristols fashion ' & she claimed the age old Naval tradition of 'whistling the Captain aboard ship ' was disrespectful towards women .

It seems the final straw came off the cost of Bangkok when a school of whales were spotted to shouts of ' There she blows ' from male on lookers

Fare dodger gets his Ticket punched

2011-12-14T06:19:00.000-08:00

The hero that intervened in a dispute between a Railway Ticket collector & a fare dodger has been offered the job fulltime as an on board 'Rail marshal ' to help protect the public from anti social behavour & fare dodging .

The video of public Vigilante known as 'Big Bill ' which was shown on You-Tube recieved a record number of complaints from passengers who demanded to know why the train was at a stand still for 10 mins delaying their journey whilst the fare dodger refused to leave the Train most demanded to know "why wasnt the fare dodger thrown off the train whilst it was still moving " .

Railtrack appologised for the delay when the Train eventually arrived at its destination 10 mins late blaming a 'little shite on the line' reminding passengers not to use the toilets whilst at the station.

Students offered Degree in prostitution

2011-12-14T05:58:00.000-08:00

University Students stuck for a course to study are turning to Degrees in the worlds oldest profession 'Prostitution ' which is one of few courses that can offer fulltime employment at the end of its completion .

With most mayor 'Laptop Dance clubs ' offering partime day release to train young girls in the exotic arts 'Prostitution' is seen as the next step up in the profession for many young girl students or men .

"Many young students are complete naturals & believe in living the dream " said one Professor who lectures in 'Sexual studies ' " I ask students to consider a carear in the sex industry as its the fastest growing trade and needs very few qualifications with large finacial rewards it pays very well " .

Young people who go out on the lash at the weekend are opened minded & opened legged about casual sex so whats the Differance in making a little money on the side no experiance needed !!

Fake Frozen planet row

2011-12-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

A row has broken out between BBC boses & the makers of 'David Attenborough's ' 'Frozen Planet ' natural history series after Program makers faked scenes from the frozen wastes by filming some scenes in a local branch of 'Iceland ' frozen food store.

Producers hired out the local 'Iceland ' store near BBC headquarters in Shepherds Bush London for two days of filming preventing Christmas shoppers from stocking up for Xmas .

Program makers took two Polar bear pups from a local Zoo and placed them in one of the shops freezer cabinets to film a heart Wrenching scene from the Artic where one of the Polar Bear mothers abandons her young ,unfortunatly the faked scene came to light when one of the shops distressed customers found one of the dead pups amongst the oven ready Turkeys !!.

It is under stood 'Sir David Attenbourgh ' who is worshipped as a living 'God ' by the British public , is very embarrased by the scam & was not present at the filming and wasnt even told about it during his studio voice over of the tragic scene .

scroungers to have house benefits stoped

2011-12-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

Single persons living in homes that have more than two unoccupied rooms are to have their house benefits re accessed this could mean that 'HMS The Queen & Husband Phil 'classed as an elderly couple who lives in 100 room Buckingham palarse but only occupies a small apartment could see her 21 million pound state allowance reduced .

Its part of the coalitions plan to reduce everyone in under occupied properties to living in one roomed hovels simular to the medievil peasants or the 18 C Victorian tenant blocks .

It is thought the tough new measures could reduce the countrys homeless with a rush for families on benefits with a spare room to take a homeless person off the streets this Xmas .

Channel 4 pulls plug on Kinky B&B show

2011-12-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

Westham Chairman 'David Gold ' recent attempts to break into show buisness have all ended in failure when a celebrity episode of channel 4s 'Four in a Bed ' was cancelled after TV watch dogs declared it too raunchey for day time TV audiances .

The show which features B & B owners who stay in each others establishments and then give marks has become popular over the years and is now in its fifth season with channel 4 wanted to record a special Celebrity Xmas edition .

Multi millionare football chairman & owner of womens knicker empire 'Anne Summers ' which exploits the social underclasses 'David Gold ' agreed to appear on the show with his team of fellow owners & Directors of Westham F C including porn barron 'David Sullivan ,Karen Brady & Ralph Gold or the 'Pheonix three ' as they are known amongst friends .

David ' whos wants to be seen as just the bloke next door ,whos family have run Hotels & guest houses in the past invited the gang down to his family run Guest house in Brighton along with a channel 4 film crew ,unfortunatly filming was haulted a number of times when Guests demanded they all share the same bed which wasnt allowed under the shows rules .

Dave was also a guest on 'Noel Edmunds 'the other poisin dwarf in 'Deal or no deal' but unfortunaly got his head stuck in the bankers box after trying to do runner with the money .

When 'The Pheonix three ' left BCFC they left a note in the board room which read " The moneys the accounts empty theres no money left at the club " signed KB .

Thatcher to recieve Live state Funeral

2011-12-11T06:36:00.000-08:00

Tory tyrant 'Maggie Thatcher' synonymous with the 80s is to recieve full state funeral with a differance in order to bestow the affection the nation has for her she is to be buried alive on her head which is the way all traitors are buried.

Thatcher ' who helped create the 'Fuck you Im all right jack ' culture back in the 1980s conducted a reign of terror against miners & their families the poor social under classes & the enitre country including anyone who stood up to her .

It is hoped the funeral will adopt the Egyptian method of burial where all the hierchy are buried with the countries ruler including the slaves which would mean the entire Tory cabinet at the time of her rule would be included with her when the burial chamber is eventually sealed .

'Thatcher ' after being deposed by her own party escaped being put on trial by the Hague for crimes against humanity & the people of the UK by feining insanity and not being fit to face charges .

After her recent Bio pic 'The Iron Lady ' where the lead was played by 'Meryl 'Streep' who made Thatcher look like Saint Thersa 'Johny Depp' is to play Adolf Hitler in the 'Iron Cross '.

Murdered boy sparks fears of return to wickerman cult

2011-12-11T05:24:00.000-08:00

A young teenage boy murdered on the isolated Scottish island of 'Lewis ' the first in over 40 years has led to fears amongst local clergy that it may herald a return to Pagan worship not seen since the pre christian days 200 years ago.

As police arrest a suspect who is thougth to be 'The local Lord of the manor ' many locals remain tight lipped but the local Vicar says he has witnessed strange mid night rituals involving local virgins & bonfires which many say are linked to the ancient 'wickerman cult ' the practise of burning sacrificial animals & humans in a giant effigy made from reeds .

As local farmers continue to struggle with bad harvests due to claimate change there are fears that more victims may be found as many locals have lost faith in Traditional Christian worship .

Olympic Tourcher relay

2011-12-09T04:35:00.000-08:00

Elderly & disabled people are being forced into carrying the Olympic Torch around their local neighbourhoods some without realising their names had been put forward by cynical hate campaigns that have been conducted against them by cowardly members of the community .

An elderly women accussed of be a witch who is on sticks & can hardly walk will have to endure a painful 400 meters carrying a heavy metal cheese grater whilst being rediculed by baying crowds some angry that she receives a pension higher than there own .

Unfortunatley there is no 'get out clause ' say lawyers " if anyone refuses to carry out the new ATOS means test they can have benefits removed & accussed of wasting the Olympic commitees time .

The Olympic Tourcher relay is seen as new depths that the DWP has sank to as over 70% of disabled people have been chosen including many wheel chair bound carriers who have been chosen to help capture the unique 'Chariots of fire ' atmosphere from the 1924 Paris Olympics .

Meanwhile Charties have urged anyone chosen to carry the Torch to get in touch to help raise money for needy causes via sponsorship with relay places now changing hands for £1,000 on ebay the price is expected to rise as the Olympics gets closer .

Health & safety have urged people to get themselves insured

Extreme insurance claims forcast

2011-12-09T04:02:00.000-08:00

weather forcasters have shocked the nation by forcasting seasonal bad weather in winter and have put the country on defcon 3 alert for high winds & snow which has meant a welcome return for some weather forcasters who thought due to one of the warmest winters on record that patronising comments like 'put anougher blanket on the bed ' & 'wrap up warm before you go out ' or the pensioners favourite ' mind how you go now ' had taken the fun out of forcasting.

Whats even more remarkable about weather forcasters predictions is the general public believe that the weather is controled by computors and not real people on the BBC but secretly its the insurance companies that dictate forcasts.

Weather patterns estimate that a low will move across Britian on all fronts in the next few weeks as insurance claims from householders are set to rise off the scale as companies refuse to pay out on the grounds that if bad weather is forcast house holders should have known about it as for told is for warned & its their own fault for not securing properties against such exterme conditions so why should insurance comapnies pay out on claims .

Muslim leaders praise judge restraint in arson attack

2011-12-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

Muslim leaders have praised a judge for showing restraint when he jailed a pair of arsonists for setting fire to a Stoke mosque for only 10 years .

The pair one of them a soldier who had been trained to blow up Mosques whilst serving with the Army in Afhgansitan had set fire to the property after being taunted by muslims burning poppies at a memoral service to fallen soldiers & is proof that if justice is not seen to be done by punishing people who insult the honur of this country other extremists will take the law into their own hands .

One of the men a soldier had served in the 'intellligence corps ' of the British Army but had been traced by his footprints that had been left in the snow leading to his house .

Muslim leaders say under Shia law the pair could have been stoned to death or had their hands choped off or both but Allah had smiled on them both & shown restraint just like the judge who could have sentenced them to a full life term for arson .

Atos workers now rated lower than Vivisectionists says survey

2011-12-08T07:48:00.000-08:00

Atos the company chosen to carry out the mass extermination of the benefits culture via the back to work program by the Goverment ,on sickness & dissabilty claimants have asked for 24hours protection for its staff following spate of hate fueled attacks on staff & homes .

In recent survey carried out by the 'Anti nazi lge ' the public now class Atos workers as lower than Vivisectionists who carry out testing on animals for medical reasearch with many Atos workers Ironicaly taking time off from their jobs phoning in sick due to being unable to cope with the stresses of processing thosands of benefits claimants a day .

As piles of unclaimed spectacles ,false teeth & artifcial limbs grow at Opticians & Disabilty processing centers around the country simular to the huge warehouses operated by the Nazis dealing with the Jewish problem 70 years ago .

Most of Artificial aids have been cast off by the disabled after being told they are not suffering from any long term illness or Disabilty by Atos staff & to 'pick up their crotches and walk 'the phenomenon is cynicaly known as 'Atos Miracles' by Goverment ministers & Atos bosses alike .

piles of limbs cast off thanks to ATOS miracles

But some Atos workers have been told not to reveal who they work for due to the public back lash from family & friends this Xmas as they become figures of hate amongst communties near where they live already there have been a number of assaults on Atos staff who have to be bused in under police guard.

Those staff that have resigned due to developing a concious have had to seek councilling after sleepless nights & fear of recriminations developing simular remorse type symptoms to those experianced by the SS guards at Nazi concentration camps .

Summer riots officialy upgraded to 'August uprising '

2011-12-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

The summer riots & cival unrest on the streets of Britain & the London Capital have recieved a welcome boost for Anarchists & Historians alike by being upgraded to a full scale uprising by an independant parlimentary commitee set up by the Goverment   .

There were fears from organised groups of rioters & leftie students that the commitee would find in favour of Cameron & his facist war cabinet by down grading the event to just a disturbance or street looting which would have meant it may have been written from historical records  & swept under the carpet of history .

This means that as its now classed as a serious nationwide event it will recieve full listed status in the British muesum archives & British Libraries old news papers files which are stored on micro chips for any future genrations to view & is even promoted to Defcon 3 over the poll tax riots in 1980s .

Anrachist leaders & trouble makers commented that " an official up uprising is classed as being on the border line to full scale cival war which is worth remebering for next time and is so rare in the UK the only other cvial war was back in times of 'Oliver Cromwell ' " & 'The Toll puddle martyrs ' .

It is has also been revealed that Rioters received offers of help & weapons from the 'Russian Red Army Bolsheviks ' & food drops from the air re kindling the nostalgia of the 'Oktober Revoulution ' when the communists ceased power from the Russain Government which is simular to whats happening in the UK today & the only way to over throw the capitalist Banks   .

It could explain why the Goverment was reluctant to call out troops onto the streets & issue rubber bullets & water cannon instead they prefered to hush things up by talking down the seriousness of the August uprising by blaming in on just few greedy kids looting shops with no direction or leadership other than basic vandals or football hooligans .

'Christine Bleakley' admits sex wasnt up to much either

2011-12-05T05:59:00.000-08:00

As ITV cancels its 'Daybreak ' show the shows hosts 'Christine Bleakley & Adrian Chiles ' shed no tears over their on screen break up which ended in divorce .

The pair once the cream of BBC 'One show ' at the height of their carears amid rumours of an extra matrimonial romance between them both which blossomed with their nightly amorous meetings on the TV studio sofa .

The rumour was Fueled by 'Adrian Chiles ' obvious attraction to his female co presenter when he was over heard off mike taking part in a heavy petting sessions with her & was once told to cool it by BBC bossess when he admitted to having his hand up 'Christines Bleakleys ' short skirt more than a few times during rehearsal .

As millions of perverted middle aged men tuned in every night to ask the question 'will they wont they ' the on screen romance reached fever pitched proportions as BBC viewing figures rocketed higher than 'Christines ' hem lines .

Sadly it wasnt to last as both presenters left after being offered bigger bucks by rivals ITV where they were to both present an early morning show called 'Daybreak ' .

But Christine refused to play the sex kitten on the new show & become Adrians play thing after finding out 'Adrian' had problem getting up in the morning ITV producers bowing to complaints from womens femist groups destroyed the chemistry between them by putting 'Christine' in trousers and not just for her time of the month .

When 'Adrian Chiles ' started playing away on his own footballl show the partnership was doomed to failure as frustrated 'Christine ' sold her 'kiss & tell story 'to national newspaper quashing rumours that the pair were romanticly linked & dispelling the myth that 'sex on the sofa ' actually took place .

" The partnership was never consumated ' a bitter 'Christine revealed , " the foreplay was ok but Adrian never went the whole way after I asked him to use a condom he refused " she explained " I never trust co presenters who promise to pull out at the last minute " added Chrsitine .

outbreak of welshness to continue into the new year

2011-12-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

As the nation mourns the tragic death of Footballer 'Gary speed ' a mass outbreak of man tears has affected half the country including Rugby players , footballers & fans alike including thosands of others who claimed to have known 'Gary Speed ' .

The nations epedemic of blubbering went on far into the night as many Englishmen became honorary welsh men for a day and found them selves filling up like a bunch of Girls or menopausal women .

In many football grounds the mass grieving was interupted by an outbreak of football where players unable to control themselves from filling up managed to put on a brave face through floods of tears .

An open top bus parade took place in 'Speeds ' home town as a special Charity has been set up in his honour on behalf of men who cry like babies for the TV cameras & helps sportsmen cope with their femine side .

Giant Pandas are fakes

2011-12-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

The giant Pandas rented out to 'Edinburgh ' from the China are fakes claim Zoologists after checks were carried out on the pair who were found to have a 'made in Taiwan ' stamped on their bottoms "it is clear just like everything else that is imported from China its not what it seems " said dissapointed Zoo staff .

Ironicaly The Pandas just like the ones in the 70s were brought over from China in a effort to lift the mood of the country in the doom & gloom of the current recession and were to be used as 'A feel good news story by BBC ' .

meanwhile the BBC has had to fall back on its other option to bring back some festivity to 'Broke Britain' by bringing back 'John Craven ' to the childrens TV program newsround who was closely linked with the orignal 1970s pandas .

Resulting in Motor mouth 'Jeremy Clarkson ' emitting anougher outburst about suicides claiming "if John Craven ever appeared on his TV hed join them in a public hanging " .

It is hoped the Pandas who feed only on a diet of Bamboo shoots may solve the countries 'Japanese knot weed problem ' which tastes like bamboo & they wont know the differance when fed on it .

British soldiers pay their respects to fallen Jewish Allies at the wailing wall

2011-12-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

Fox & Rat population to double in 2012

2011-11-30T04:02:00.000-08:00

The general strike by public sector workers looks set to be a bonus for some members of the UKs population, Foxs & Rats are set for a bean feast as millions of black bin bags go uncollected due to the bin men downing tools ,thats if they used any as many due to health & safety have not only lost the use of a broom but also their legs .

The Rodent population have never had it so good as this time last year sub zero temps meant food was in short supply but with more industrial action planned in 2012 foxs are set to increase in size with their wildlife cousins .

Whilst in Bham bin men have postponed a strike to show solidarity with their fellow public sector workers and have joined forces to all go out on strike together which has left many house holders confused as they dont know what day it is .

Osmonds 'one bad apple wont spoil the whole bunch '

2011-11-30T04:00:00.000-08:00

The 'Osmonds' not to be confused with the 'Osbournes 'the anti Christs are to play yet anougher fairwell tour of the UK on behalf of the 'Mormon ' religion in which worshipers give % of their salary for the Lords work , the fund raising on behalf of the church which has suffered due to the down turn in the ecomony.

The clean living Osmonds family who were dicovered buried at the end of a Rainbow have turned out to be a true pot of Gold for the 'Mormon ' relegion and claim their faith saved them from adopting the ways of the cruel world & point to the 'Jackson 5' & 'Michael Jackson in particular as the evil one as is written in the' book of Moron ' .

The Osmond brothers still command a loyal following in the UK espcially amongst 045s women which is why 'Donny ' everyones favourite , will perform in a seperate tour to ensure more $$$s for the pound on the exchange rate .

Postumus Football Award for Gary Speed

2011-11-29T06:30:00.000-08:00

After the tragic self inflicted death of 'Gary Speed ' there have been calls from both fans & footballers a like for him to recieve a postumus award either from 'The Football writers ' or even 'The players player of the season ' as a mark of respect & recognition .

Odds of 'Gary Speed ' being made 'BBC Sports Personality of the year ' have already been slashed by boookmakers after rumours he'd received thosands of votes from devoted fans around the country .

The suicide of 'Gary Speed ' from hanging is complete mystery as he had no depts or family worries ,friends who were the last to see him say he seemed relaxed & in good spirits & looking forward to helping Wales win the next world cup .

The only explanation is that 'Gary' was 'Welsh ' a persona which has always dogged him throughout his carear apparenlty more people hang themselves in Wales than any other country ...meanwhile a 24hr watch has been put on 'Ryan Giggs ' .

Xmas TV ads carry on regardless

2011-11-29T06:13:00.000-08:00

Despite the recession & doom & gloom Mayor high street stores continue bombard the public with expensive Ads oblivious to the fact that people are suffering from the cuts .

Some mayor shops had intended to postpone Xmas or even tone down the greed factor but 'David Cameron' insisted on them carrying on as normal to avoid panic amongst Bankers & people who still have money .

If top chefs dont continue to plug luxury food items it may create a panic amongst the nations middle classes who love a Traditional Christmas regardless of cost & at the other end of the social ladder Xmas hamper companies used by the nations benefits scrougers as part of an Xmas club fund would go out of buisness .

As society returns to traditional Victorian work house values amongst Tesco,Sainsbury & other retail staff which means only two days off at employers descression ,driving the plebs into poverty sees return to Tory values as a society driven to despair thro lack of money or oppertunites is easier to control & subdue .

Unemployed forced into unpopular jobs

2011-11-29T05:58:00.000-08:00

Many young unemployed are to be forced into proffesions that have certain stigma attached to them as part of The Governments forced Labour program .

Unpopular jobs like Prostitution & massage parlours normaly an occupation of Eastern Europeans are to be targeted by Job centers as they require very little skill or training by claiments .

Already the Tories have drawn on history and adopted policies used by German Nazi party during 1930s when the unemloyed & enemys of the state were forced to work in Factories loyal to the nazi party by forcing people to work at Tesco for no wages & the sheer joy of getting up in the morning & being used as doormat by customers Tesco a mayor contributer to Tory party funds with profits of 2.5 billion pounds last year yet they cant even create paid jobs for young people .

Other Tory schemes adopted from the Argentina junta during the 1970s are to give every long term unemployed person £50 to dissapear off the official records & keep quiet about it & as long as they promise not to mention they are on Job seekers if asked .

The scheme known as 'The Dissapeared ' will move millions off the Dole into 'Out of sight out of mind ' training oppertunites .

Dead Kennedy's Resurrection !!

2011-11-28T04:38:00.000-08:00

The Dead Kennedys

This week marks the anniversary of the Tragic death of 'John Kennedy' has seen an unexpected turn around in the fortunes of 70s American punk band 'The Dead Kenndys' http://www.deadkennedys.com/ front man 'Jello Biafra ' has annouced that the group have been invited to play at the 'Kennedy' tribute concert next month " we are both surprised and honoured " said the bands lead singer & manager Jello Biafra '.

Crazed cult

The group formed in the 1960s and orginaly called The Kennedys' but changed their name to 'The Dead Kennedys ' after the tragic shooting & assination of the President as tribute to the Kennedy family after his murder.

The Band enjoyed a cult following which included crazed gun man & Assassin 'Lea Harvey Oswald ' who was often spotted in the audiance brandishing a unloaded hand gun and claimed he got the idea to shoot the President from listening to the bands songs played backwards in which a secret message told him 'to shoot the pig' .

John F Kennedy heads for legendry status in the Bat Mobile

CIA FIDDLE CASTRO

After the arrest of 'Oswald' the CIA investigated his links with 'The Dead Kennedys ' but failed to pick up on the fact that the band were funded by Cuban Leader' Fiddle Castro' and had in fact toured Cuba as special guests of the communist leader .

Marilyn munroe

It is also rumoured amongst conspiracy theorists that Hollywood screen idol 'Marilyn Munroe' was also fan of the group and was an x girl friend of both' Lea Harvey' & 'Jello Biafra' before becoming involved in an affair with ' President Kenndy ' & plotting to kill him along with Lea Harvey Oswald ' at Texas department store which they both reffered to as 'TheTexas chain store massacar ' .

Anougher popular conspiracy theory is that the CIA faked the death of 'Marilyn Munroe' from drugs overdose and granted her witness protection after she gave information on' Lea Harvey', giving her a false identity & the alias of 'Debbie Harry' who eventually went onto form the 80s pop band 'Blondie '.

John Kennedy's ' assination was made worse by the fact that all the 'Kennedy' clan have a family deformity of an extra large head when the bullet entered the Presiedents head it took a fraction of second longer to come out the other side thus fueling anougher conspiracy that there were two gunmen involved .

kennedy family with large heads affecting the male line

Dead kennedy tour

Jello Biafra also announced Dead Kennedy re union tour & re -release of the groups hit single 'California Uber Allas' re written to include tribute to all the 'DaedKennedy's ' .

Jimmy Carr ' my sadness at Discovery of lost twin

2011-11-27T09:48:00.000-08:00

Sick Comedian 'Jimmy Carr' or poor little 'Jimmy Jimmy ' as known by 70s punk band 'The Undertones ' has opened up his heart live on stage in front of thosands of people 'Jimmy ' in an astonishing confession broke down in tears as he confessed to having a twin 'Downs syndrome Brother .

'Jimmy only discovered he had a twin after the family secret slipped out one night after doing a special charity gig on behalf of the 'Spastics society' which was attended by his mother when she became tipsy at the back stage party she confessed that she had given birth to a Down syndrome child whome she had kept hidden from Jimmy .

'total shock as Jimmy re-united with Brother '

Jimmy Carr ' famous for his sick jokes about Wounded Troops ,spastics & handicapped people in wheel chairs told the hysterical audiance how he met up with his twin who had been living at a special hospital in 'Mongolia ' .

' when Jimmy started telling us the story everyone was crying themselves with laughter as we thought it was part of his act " said one member of the audiance

Asked wether he will still continue with his handicapped jokes Jimmy replied " of course my twin brother has given me his full backing and is proud of my act " and has appeared on stage with Jimmy.

Jimmy bravely soldier'd on during last weeks 'Live 10 oclock live 'despite fluffing one or two punch lines to his jokes and is determind for this family tragdy not to affect his comedy carear .

"worse jokes are seen on the internet including twitter " added Jimmy Carr .

2011-11-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

Iceland three Bird roast plenty of stuffing to go around

insignificant little man achieves legendry status

2011-11-27T02:02:00.000-08:00

Ronnie Corbett & Danny Lu Rue

Take a bow 'Ronnie corbett ' for years known as the unfunny one in the two Ronnies comedy sketch shows & being on the under card to so many comedy greats has at last been recgonised as one of the latest comedy greats

Ronnie' 81' long over looked as being a funnyman has achieved legendry status simply because he'd outlived all his predecessors including 'Ronnie Barker ' & other comedy greats .

Ronnie Corbett 5'0 in his stocking feet re invented himself recently thank to cameo appearance on 'Ricky Gervias ' extras in which he played a junkie 'Ricky Gervias '' who seems to be obcessed with little people ressurected Ronnies carear having been almost forgotten by the BBC .

Unfortunatly 'Ronnie ' was overlooked for Rickys' recent TV show featuring real dwarfs & misssed out on 'Celebrity Jungle ' to former jocky 'Willie Carson ' who despite being 5' 0 was chosen over Ronnie Corbett as the pigmy in the jungle .

Gay soldiers not recognised and feel unwanted

2011-11-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

Groups have asked for Gay soldiers to be recognised for their part they played in both world wars

Because homesexualty was ilegal in the Forces and swept under the carpet until recently ,many heroic acts carried out by soldiers ,sailors & Airmen have gone unreported ,the part many Gay men/women played in the wars has been kept secret .

The evacuation of Dunkirk was only possible because Gay soldiers stayed behind at the rear & put up a stubborn resistance to the advances made by German troops .

Even though special units were formed in all the armed forces including 'Concert partys ' who went round entertaining the troops & keeping up moral & the stiff British upper their contribution has never officialy been recognised .

Instead many Gays suffered years of abuse and name calling with terms like 'Jessies ' & 'Tail end charlies ' a nick name frequently applied in RAF but were never really awarded proper medals like most who served .

Gay rights groups are calling for a special medal to be awarded to all gay/lesbian service men & women but the MOD say that even though homosexuality is now legal and in some cases compulsory it would be hard to trace former Gay forces personal as many suffered in secret .

There were many famous personal who were closet Gays during WW2 including 'Monty ' or 'Montgomery ' & ' Lord Mountbatten ' & Sgt 'Danny La Rue ' in the Queen own Bertie woofters .

Charmer Gold promises to save westham

2011-11-25T07:48:00.000-08:00

Westham Chairman 'David Gold ' has promised to re-build westham football club after their relegation from the Premier Lge 'Gold ' affectionaly known as the 'Poisin Dwarf ' by some cruel buggers , says " he loves the club and supported them even as small boy when he was 4ft tall and even now hes grown up at 4ft 2' he still has an affection for them " but not enough to spend his own money like most of the fans do every week.

Goldie ' promises to start the recovery by helping old pal and co owner 'Dave Sullivan ' famous for his 'Joe Maplin ' holiday camp outbursts to invest in 'Upton Park by building more houses on the newly aquired old stadium site as soon as its cleared ready for the move into the new 'Olympic stadium ' in 2013 .

Millionare 'Gold ' who as a boy , made his fortune by pushing an old Tart & peddaling porn around the streets of London dressed as a Garden knome where he met Co owner 'David Sullivan ' who never married after being left on the 'Top shelf ' with the rest of his soft porn empire , spotted 'Goldies ' potential & cast him as one of the Dwarfs in his soft porn film 'Snow white does the magnificent 7 ' played & Directed by 'Karren Brady ' the film had a cunt following .

David ' is already considered a hero by some dim witted westham fans for saving the club from itself as in " to get back to the good times we must have bad times " a famous board room quote from the 'Poisin Dwarf ' espcially at his previous club BCFC & widely used at every club hes brought into .

Other famous quotes include " show me a football club & I show you how to exploit the fans with fake promises" it worked so well at his other club Bham city he got away with it for at least 12 years which is about the same sentence if hed get if 'allegedly' it could be proven that the 83 million that he made from selling BCFC ' to 'Carson Yeung ' via ilegal laundered money as in 'it was just resting in his account ' .

The David sullivan Gold ' team has worked well over the years 'Gold as the front man the person to trust at the helm of the club with 'Sullivan working away in background who actually makes the decisions & steers the ship which leaves him plenty of time to indulge in his other hobby 'Porn ' which he runs from his million pound mansion .

David Sullivan ' takes such pride in producing high quality Porn DVDs that he personaly tests each one by masterbating on the sofa whilst watching it on TV in his tastefully furnished home direct from Argos.

But question is how long will it be before the fans continue to believe DGs nonsense before realising they have sold out their proud history as trophy winners & contenders to the 'Pheonix three ' DS,KB,DG , who were ran out of Birmingham by an angry mob demanding their 83 million pounds back that was stolen from the club via a deal with the shady 'Carson yeung ' & associates so the club has past from one bunch criminals to anougher .

Westham for so long the poor neighbours to London rivals @rsenal ,Chelsea ,Fulham & spurs & far bigger clubs who wouldnt even consider having such a pair of cheap skates like the two 'Daves ' on the board .

To his credit David Gold demands respect both in the board room & amongst the poorer fans & money earns him respect he never had as a child during his time at Bham city FC he constantly worked behind the scenes by playing 'Good chairman bad owner with the clubs other comedian ' David Sullivan ' who made Arthur Daley look like a legit car salesman .

Some of the BCFC fans loved 'Goldie ' so much they planned to erect a statue to him outside the ground in his honour but due to lack of & interest & funds just like the ground St Andrews ,both remain unfinished .

Unfortunalty due to shady dealings Bham city FC the club 'David 'claims to have loved but was cast off like a pair of cheap crotcheless knickers from 'Anne Summers 'anougher one of his interests , is in severe finacial trouble but to be fair 'The Pheonix three ' have left BCFC in the same position they found it ' broke & only worth a £1 which is what these asset strippers brought it for .

Anougher one of 'Davids' amusing board room anecdotes is that shortly before they left BCFC managing Director 'Karren Brady ' left a crude hand written note in the safe which read " the moneys gone its back in the bank where we found it " !!.

'Thanks for the memory 'Pheonix three' all bad ones '

George Michael catches homophobia

2011-11-24T09:38:00.000-08:00

Gorgous George has been taken ill in hospital with suspected homophobia he was rushed into private expensive care in Austria where he is responding well to mouth to mouth resuscitation after catching a chill in one of the many outdoor toilets he fregents normaly he takes a minder to handle any unwanted attention from Gay bashers that maybe hanging around but this time it looks like he was caught cold as someone forgot to warm the seat before use .

It seems hanging about in feezing' pubic 'toilets is bad for the health esp' when the smell of Amonia is about ' George Michael' has estimated to have visited nearly every public toilet in both the UK & US in search of a cottaging thrill but some fans accuse him of going over the top this time by feining illiness to gain access to the Hospital toilet block .

Heart ache for heartbeat as police stations close

2011-11-24T06:32:00.000-08:00

The closer of many front line police stations not only in Villages like 'MidSomer' & 'Aindenfield, but also many in larger cities has left script writers & producers stumped as to where to find a location for future episodes which could spell the end for many Detective TV Dramas.

The traditional 'front desk ' manned by the village bobby so long a required ingredient in any succesful TV series is now so rare it may be written out of any future scripts all together and be replaced by mobile phone conversations just like on 'The Bill '.

The traditional front desk where many crimes are solved not just place to report crime

but also a village focal point

With many police stations due to cuts being put on part time opening hours only, chief constables are seriously considering charging the public an entrance fee everytime they have to report a crime or are in need of assitants which will go towards running costs.

Already some local police stations are selling off unclaimed stolen goods on Ebay to the public with many following the example of postoffices and offering other front line counter services including postage stamps , lottery cards & fire lighters .

Sven to declare himself a charity

2011-11-24T02:40:00.000-08:00

Former England manager & self confessed parasite 'Sven Erickson ' is to officialy declare himself a charity after being considered for the job to manage the 'Iranian' football team

Erickson or 'The plank ' as he is known due to his lack of emotion on the touch line has managed more football teams than 'Tommy Docherty ' or ' Dave Basset ' which include Fulham ,Man city ,notts county ,Leicester & whole host of others queing up willing to donate money to his bank account.

Since losing the 'poisin chalace' England job and being given 3 million pay off 'Svens carear has blossomed where most X managers carears nose dive never to be heard of again but 'Erickson ' has an uncanny knack of being in the right place at the right time .

Even 'Sven ' himself admits its complete mystery why club chairman are willing to throw money at him even tho' his record as a coach is appaling he says " he was just born lucky" but he puts his success of being offered regular work down to his abilty to promise nothing & deliver even less .

McCanns show up to spoil the party

2011-11-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

The relaxed atmosphere at the leveson enquirey into phone hacking was spoiled when the 'McCanns turned up for a free lunch & travel expenses paid, to whinge about how all the publicity about phone hacking has affected the press & media coverage of thier lives causing 'Kate McCann to be struck down by a bout of attention seeking syndrome .

The 'McCanns ' who only have to get a sniff of publicity or compensation pay outs and their in like Flint to add more money to the ever growing bank balance .

The McCanns have set up their very own 'Media Empire ' to handle publicity and access to themselves & have recently taken out Insurance on the the prospect of their daughter 'Maddie ' being found causing them loss of earnings .

Coogans bluff

2011-11-23T01:59:00.000-08:00

Comedy writer 'Steve Coogan ' brought tears of laughter to the sober mood at the hacking enquirey yesterday as he gave evidence to the Leveson commitee

Most of his evidence that his own phone had been hacked was taken with pinch of salt as many thought he was acting out a scene from one of his comedy scripts & was accussed of only attending the enquirey to get ideas for a new show .

As a steady stream of actors & celebs come forward in the next few days to add weight to the hacking scandel the enquirey, the' Daily mail ' was accussed of making Death threats to actor 'Hugh Grant ' following his daming evidence, after publishing news of his death in the papers obituary column but the 'Daily Mail denied leaking news of the actors death after hacking into 'Jimmy Saviles phone by mistake.

Tommorow the Leveson enquirey looks set to desend into farce as Comedy writer 'Ricky Gervias ' is called to give his version of events as everyone at the enquirey struggles to keep straight face and 'Ricky 'will ask 'why his phone wasnt hacked ' .

The Rise of the Fourth Reich

2011-11-22T09:04:00.000-08:00

With German markets having become so popular there is talk of invasion from our German friends never since the war has the threat from our German neighbours been so great with our very own British way of life under threat with over 100 Xmas markets ..

Nearly every UK city or Town in the country has its very own Xmas German market even Aldi a german supermarket feels under threat and complains that the markets have taken its trade away offering more expensive goods at rip off prices but in their defense German traders say most of the traditional Germanic foodstuffs come from Aldi and are cooked in the UK so that should make both happy .

British Farmers markets claim that their profit margins have been eaten into & there are not enough Academics or proffesionals amongst who the markets are so popular , on a big enough wage to fleece or rip off for everyone , other Traditional french markets of which there only a hand full in the entire country ,are up in arms & claim prejudice with many French stall holders planning a campaigne of resitance & non co-operation and accuse local councils of collaboration with the Germans .

With the German markets being granted alchol licences it means heavy bouts of drinking are also causing problems with street cleaners having to clear up pools of vomit after revealers have consumed too much franfurter sausages & schnapps .

If women Ruled the World

2011-11-22T00:58:00.000-08:00

Scientists & womanisers alike have exploded the myth that 'The world would be better place if women ruled it '

Womens rights groups have always said that if Mayor world leaders were replaced by women there would be no wars or misery & all conflicts would be put aside in favour of peace ,understanding & shopping .

But staunch critics who point to the womans menstrual cycle say the beliefs have flaws at least once a month women leaders could turn aggressive & start wars with other nations if they are allowed to go out doors specialy if there is a full moon .

crazy menopausal woman

Others point to the British Tyrant Prime minister 'Magaret Thatcher ' who only just qualified as a women during the 80s but that 10% was enough for her 'Time of the month ' she was right Bsterd and it is believed to be a factor in the Miners strike where thosands of jobs were lost with much blood spilt thanks to 'Maggies ' heavy periods causing her to take the wrong decision & close mines .

The Falklands war was allowed to esculate out of control because of 'Thatchers ' menopuase which raged out of control for the next decade causing her to lash out and sink the 'Belgrado battle ship ' if 'Argentian President ' had been a women he would have understood that the act of agression was down to 'Maggies ' womb and wasnt personal .

Stephen Lawrence enquirey to last longer than the mouse Trap

2011-11-21T16:32:00.000-08:00

Proscution Lawyers acting on behalf of Murdered teenager 'Stephen Lawrence ' have vowed to get a conviction for murder no matter how long it takes or if they have to change the law to get it ,the trial which is set to last longer then the play 'The Mouse Trap 'which has lasted over 30 years ,court officials are to issue season tickets to those in the public gallery where touts are already reporting a brisk trade in black market tickets .

Despite a number of court cases over the past 18 years & Dozs of enquireys the Juries have failed to convict the accused men mainly because in their summing up 'is it because he is Black ' has been their main line of Defense .

From the Orginal nine defendants on trial it has been whitled down to just two in an X factor style elimination vote off which has meant the two accussed men havent been able to work & neither have the jury members .

The World is watching warns China

2011-11-21T02:36:00.000-08:00

The Chinese have accused the British Government of 'Kettle Black ' & have threatend to report the UK to Amnesty international ' for its plans to enforce a demo ban of protesters during next years London Olympic games .

China who were critised by the worlds leaders and Britian for their abuse of human rights during the 2008 Olympics say ' denying people the right to protest is a violation of human rights '.

As millions of unemployed have applied for voluntary work at the Olympic stadium its the only way they will get to see the games there are fears that they will be locked out and join thosands of anarchists in protest to embarass the Government in front of the worlds media .

Emergency plans include marshal law which could see the area around the stadium become a no go zone and ghost town if rioting does kick off where fans will be locked inside the stadium under siege for thier own safety as the Tories 'who have sown the wind reap the whirl wind ' .

The ban wont include strike action or cival disobedience as the Olympics has been seen as the prefect platform for various Groups to air their grievances and promote the countrys freedom of speach which it is renound for .

The Olympic Torch relay which has already ran into trouble as mayor comapnies auction off places has been forced to change its route away from cities and biult up areas to take in railway lines & maybe be flown from Bham to London on jumbo jet with runners forced to jog up & down along the flight deck .

Special curfews will be enforced along the route with the relay taking place during the early hours along deserted streets & villages as Anarchists ,who have been unusauly quiet of late , attempt to steal the olympic torch to put on Ebay .

cowboy builders in daring escape

2011-11-20T09:03:00.000-08:00

A family of cow boy builders imprisoned for swindling customers including pensioners out of millions of pounds for shoddy work have been involved in a daring escape

Whilst fellow lags created a diversion by staging a roof top protest ,Ironicaly the same HMP roof which had been poorely repaired by the builders 6 months earlier the rest of the gang made their daring escape to freedom by demolishing an outer wall .

The builders had been put on a work detail to repair the brick work which had been damaged by previous escape attempt after puty instead of cement had been used on the brick work .

Job less asked to give their Benefits to charity

2011-11-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

Young people on Job seekers allowance & other benefits have been called upon to donate their benefits to charity and follow the example of well off pensioners with their cold weather heating allowance .

Many pensioners especially former cival servants frequently spend the cold weather payment on foreign holidays or luxury electrical goods and dont need it due to their large pension payoffs .

Job centers claim that now body can live on the paltry £57 pounds a week so all those who accept voluntary work or unpaid slave labour at Tecos or Poundland where everythings a pound including the staff must have their hands in the till or be on other fiddles as no one in their right mind would work for nothing .

Sepp Blatter more powerful than the pope

2011-11-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

As the row involving 'Sepp Blatter ' continues the head of Fifa refuses to back down as he now boasts his more powerful than the Pope ...

Fifa are so powerful they consider them selves as seperate a European state with 'Blatter ' as its Dictator for life football is more important than religion in most fans lives & more popular than 'Jesus Christ ' himself .

Meanwhile Black British footballers are to retaliate in the Racist remarks row by giving like for like on the pitch by mouthing the words 'white Honky ' to 'John Terrys ' face when ever he gets the ball after all if he can get away with why not them .

BBC workers plan to picket Children in Need

2011-11-17T12:37:00.000-08:00

BBC staff who have been told they will be losing their jobs in the new year due to cuts have been protesting outside a Midlands TV studio say they will picket tommorows 'Children in need ' appeal to protest over their plight & kidnap pudsey bear .

Each year pudsey bear & 'children in need ' raise millions of pounds for kids charities around the country but studio staff who are to lose their jobs say 'they are the real people in need of a little charity ' with many who have children forced into poverty .

They claim that some of the money raised should go to their own kids who are in need & not children from over seas 'as charity begins at home ' some of the huge fees that 'Terry wogan ' and other out of work celebs are paid each year to make fools of themselves could keep the BBC running for anougher year & pay their wages .

Children in need has become the BBCs most watched program with over 40 million viewers each year and costs very little to make as most of the viewers pay for it thanks to their generous donations .

Bennetton forced to ban Gay pope Advert

2011-11-17T04:17:00.000-08:00

Fashion Icon 'Bennetton ' have been forced to pull an Advert featuring world leaders kissing the Popes @rse after complaints from groups that this was 'Gay sterotyping ' & implied that all the worlds political Governments were in bed with the Devils representative on Earth .

Bennetton which prides itself on shock advertising campainges had originaly planned to show a picture of the Pope having his ring kissed whilst being slapped in the face by a Nazi SS officer & turning the other cheek but it wasnt thought appropiate to reveal too much of the Popes personal habits behind closed doors .

Millions of Britons ask ..Is This Gun for hire ?

2011-11-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

As the whitehouse came under attack from bullets fired from a gun a man has been arrested for the Attempted murder of ' President Obama ' obviously insane leaving millions of Britons watching in envy

The question on every Brits lips is 'where can I get one of those from ' & why cant we have the 'Right to bear Arms in Britain ' which would solve the 'Cameron' problem without an election .

As the 21 year old assassin 'Oscar Ortega ' becomes a hero not just in the US but also in the UK for the his gallant attempt to rid the west of a tyrant he has been flooded with offers from like minded European countries including the UK for part time mercinary work mostly by political opposiiton parties .

In a survey carried out by Labour party supporters 75% believed the only way to remove The Tories from power is by the assination of 'David Cameron ' or give Labour leader 'Ed Milliband ' the unready a Gun & blindfold him during Prime ministers question time & ask him to take his pick using the Tory front bench as target practise .

Con Air as passengers forced to hijack own plane

2011-11-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

Passengers stranded in India were forced to hijack there own flight after pilots refused to move off the Tarmac because they hadnt been paid wages by the Air line company .

After 5 hours on the runway angry passengers took the law unto their own hands & took the pilots & cabin crew hostage demanding they fly the aircraft home to Birmingham despite passengers having a £20,000 whip round to pay the pilots tips the flight crew had to be over powered & threatend to fly back home to Blighty .

pump up the prices

2011-11-16T10:12:00.000-08:00

Despite record Oil prices petrol companies claim they dont make any money from the pumps in fact in some cases BP run service stations at a loss and only keep stations open as a favour to the drivers & the local community .

Forcourt managers claim they make more profit from selling Air & Water which have no over heads & have denied price fixing with other service stations in the area which has help fuel anger amongst Drivers.

With fuel prices on record highs customers take less time to fill up & more time to do their shopping at service station convience stores which had led to angry scenes as drivers are left outside waiting for women to do their weekly shop .

CCTV cameras in Taxis will encourage more nudity

2011-11-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

There have been calls for local councils to put cameras in the backs of Taxi cabs to protect passengers from drivers as 75% of rapes & sexual offences now happen in the back of a cab .

Almost anyone can aquire a Taxi License these days including sexual predators & the local nutter but some critics have complained that Cameras may encourage voyerism amongst passengers & Drivers and could force dogging from dark car parks onto the high street .

Already there have been a number of cases of exhibitionist couples putting on full shows for drivers & anyone that is willing to watch & most young slappers will do anything in the back for the price of a fare .

Former British Athelete fails Gender test

2011-11-14T10:17:00.000-08:00

Secret documents dating back to 2000 revealed that a former Olympic medal winner 'Katharine Merry ' failed a gender test shortly before winning a 400m bronze medal in the Sydney Olympics '

Merry' coached by former olympic 100m champion 'Linford christie ' also failed a drugs test where she tested postive for the Steriod Testerone but at the time the scandel was hushed up on account there were insuffcient amounts of the male hormone in her body 'Merry ' claimed she didnt know how it got there and denied that 'Christie's ' special hands on approach with all his athletes meant there was 'a little bit of Linford in all his Girls ' .

In her defense 'Merry ' blamed over exposure to 'Linford Christie's ' lunch box claiming someone must have spiked her fav pre race drink 'a Snowball ' with real sperm .

Politicians live like this so that thosands can die

2011-11-13T12:04:00.000-08:00

As David Cameron & other politicians layed Rememberance day wreaths at the Cenotaph a shower of poppies was released to represent the 16,000 Army personal who will lose their jobs due to Gov' cuts cynical 'Cameron ' was already secretly planning the next war against Iran using part timers & conscripts from the Army of young unemployed.

Over 16,000 army personal will lose their jobs once they get back from Afghanistan as a Golden handed thank you from the Goverment most will find it tough to adjust to civvie life with at least third suffering from mental illness & post battle syndrome with guilt from never having fired a gun .

The Government has promised more beds in phsyicatric hospitals but many are expected to take up free lance work as mercinaries hiring them selves out to foreign powers and organisations like the EDL or anti cuts groups where thier highly trained skills will be useful on the front line against police brutality .

As more ex soldiers end up on the treets after being drummed out of the Army many will bare their grievances during the next wave of Rioting when cival war takes after the break down of law & order because no copper is gonna take on a 'Full mental jacket' trained to kill .

Rosemary Conely my battle with Obesity

2011-11-13T01:29:00.000-08:00

Womans fitness 'Rosemary Conely ' has revealed in her new book ,her life long battle with obesity ,multi millionare 'Rosemary's ' books ,diets & DVDs have brought painful reading to thosands of over weight women around the country & added pounds to her bank accounts .

As a child she suffered from bouts of Anorexia in which the very site of a fat person caused self induced vomiting " if I spotted anyone in the street who was obese I immediately put my fingers down my throat to throw up " she explained .

'Rosemary ' whos never been over weight in her life has become an expert at dishing out advice on weighty problems concerning diets but she once went on a fat diet to pile on the pounds & joined a slimming club to share the abuse obese people get when walking down the streets " the experiance changed my life " said Rosemary " I decided to do something about it & help myself by helping others to lose weight & at the same time cure my Anorexia by piling on the pounds " .

"Obese people who attend my slimming classes can use my skinny body as role model when these grotesque creatures look at me in my size 10 leotard they know that never in a life time they will able to get down to my weight which is a relief to them & takes the pressure of dieting off them "

Pregnant Paulas Marathon Record is born again

2011-11-11T06:57:00.000-08:00

Marathon legend 'Paula Radcliffe ' had her 2003 marathon record re-instated by IAAF after it was disallowed when officials found that she was 4 months pregnant with her first child & under London Marathon rules it states that 'only one person can be allocated a number & be allowed to use that number & all numbers are not transferable ' .

But Paula had claimed she had actually given birth at the half way point close to a water station & after dropping the kid had continued solo on to finish race in record time without the aid of oxygen or an epidermal which the rules state is an illegal substance .

The record for competing a marathon whilst in labour is currently held by an African women who ran or staggered over the line to give birth in the finish funnel her child has become the youngest person to finish a marathon .

Local paper boosts circulation thanks to riots

2011-11-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

The Birmingham evening mail the cities finest has been accused of exploiting its readers & glorifying the recent cival unrest by selling copies on the backs of looters whos names have been published in the news paper every week since the troubles took place .

Over 100,000 CCTV images of potential looters have been published in the news paper since last August riots in the city which is ten times the amount that actually took part in the looting & one fifth of the population of Birmingham the police have also been accused of trying to clear up every crime in the city over the past 10 years by tagging pics of criminals claiming they had took part in the riots .

The paper has seen its circulation increased ten fold since it started publishing CCTV images of looters which has a phone number attached to every image where the public can report anyone they recognise .

Looters and their famlies have not only being buying multi copies of the paper but family & friends have been phoning in jamming the local police switch boards in an X factor style vote to claim their 15 mins of fame !.

Rappper found dead in public loo

2011-11-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

Rapper' Heavy D ' has been found dead in a public toilet that was frequented by Gay celebs such as 'George Michael ' it is thought that the Rapper altho' straight had mistakenly wondered into the conviance without realising it was used for Gay cruising and had been misaken for 'George Michael ' .

Police say the cause of death was probably due facial injuries after the killer had used his head to Rap out a tune on a cubical door 'now that we found Love ' which ironicaly was 'Heavy D s ' most popular hit and had become angry after realising he wasnt 'George ' but was just in fact an irratating Rapper .

Camerons ' making hard work of the unemployed

2011-11-10T08:27:00.000-08:00

The Army of the Long term Unemployed' will never be defeated ' successive Govs' have tried and all failed the unemployed have been around for decades and will still be around after this phony Con-Dem Goverment has long gone .

No cynical back to work knee jerk schemes will shift the unemployed from their strong holds both Labour & Tories including the tyrant 'Thatcher' have tried in the past but all been ground down & reduced to blind acceptance that the long term jobless are here to stay .

The long term unemployed will always be around because its successive Governments that put them there & no temprorary purge on benefits will change anything the war on the social underclasses is un winnable .

The Con-Dems have already tasted Anarchy & riots of which they have learned nothing next time it wont be looting on the streets but Cival war removing the benefits and destroying the social under classes lifestyle without replacing it with a postive long term alternative is doomed to disaster !!.

The quix fix of Punishing those on benefits & for being out of work by replacing the dole que with the chain gang will spark the already dry tinder box of rebellion its time the cynical Tories & the enemy of both the working/workless put up ,shut up & paid up this is the price those in power have to pay for all their failed policies over the past 30 years !!.

The plebs & masses have been Pacified for generations on a diet of Drugs , matrial wealth via a plasma TV set & finacial stabilty with free handouts ,remove the benefits & upset the balance then suffer the consequencies with more riots & cival unrest which will make the recent distrubances look like a Gay rights festival .....you have been warned !!.

Being perfectly 'Frankie ' is not the best policy

2011-11-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

Following the dismissal of X factors 'Frankie Cocozza ' the wannabe shrugged it off as just anougher failed one night stand & plans to have X factor tattoed on his backside to go with his other failed conquests .

'Frankie Cocozza ' thanked the fans for their support & denied he was a Drug addict but after the disspointment of being booted off the show he promised it wont affect him in future life or drive him to Drugs as yet anougher failed wannabe .

Some critics have praised the 'nearly man ' for being so open and honest about taking Drugs & and say at least he can concentrate on his other carear as a 'Fanny magnet ' without any distractions from pop stardom or mega money his exposure on peak time TV should see him good for at least few promises down at his local .

The X factor is to issue every contestant who have failed to the make the final 'Im a failure ' badge which is all most of the sad wannabes really wanted just like the popular 'Blue Peter Badge ' they have already become collectors items & can be exhanged for Jobs and are recognised as CVs by most employers .

war breaks out on Council Poppy Ban

2011-11-09T03:04:00.000-08:00

Poppy Day ,corrupting our kids !!

The Birmingham Loony Lefties are at it gain and have banned 'Poppy Day ' collections from its streets after it deemed that poppies were assoociated with heroin and the Drugs trade by many young people today ,one councillor named 'Charlie ' said " in some parts of the world poppies are grown for the purpose of harvesting them for opium & herion we feel this is encouraging the use of drugs especially amongst young people " he added " young kids out there were buying poppies thinking the money they were donating was going to help needy Afghan' farmers and their poppy crops " .

Organic Addicts

Police say there have been number of arrests from bogus poppy collectors posing as Drug dealers useing the tins as cover for more illegal activities ...selling real fresh Poppies containing raw unprocessed Heroin to addicts who prefer the more healthy Organic product ,unfortunatley due to the law the police are powerless to act as these are classed as Fresh flowers ; police chief constable 'Leroy winston Algermon ' said " when poppy sellers are arrested no charges can be brought gainst them 'Rass Clots ' man , due to lack of evidience as we are not allowed to open the charity tins without a key " .

The Fifa ban on England football team wearing a poppy emblem looks set to stay as not one England player has spocken out against the ban or had the bottle to in fact this weekends friendly against Spain England look set to stay nuteral on the poppy row by wearing their traditional 'Red Shirts ' with the FA claiming a red poppy would be pointless on Red shirts .

Many fans have suggested that the entire England football team should be made to wear a 'white feather ' a traditional expression of cowardness during WWl after their repeated poor performances in the past three world cups !!

M5 pile up may have been caused by 'Food Fight '

2011-11-08T04:26:00.000-08:00

Last weekends tragic M5 pile up may have been caused by a food fight involving a number of lorries it seems the rivalry between the multi corperates may cost the drivers their lives ...

A number of heavy goods vehicles including Iceland ,Ginsters & McDonalds combined with a lethal combination of a lorry carrying explosives led to a 1/1000 chance freak accident on the motorway as vehicles ploughed into each other leading to catastrophy .

Eyes witnesses claim the lorrys were racing each other to get to the near by Bridgewater carnival where hot food & pasties are served but the heavy goods trailers were cut up by a trailer from a local catering firm towing a mobile canteen & hot dog stand which lead to an angry confrontation between drivers which involved a lot of fist shaking .

As Drivers battled to exit the motorway junction first they were beaten to the turn by a lighter Baked potatoe stand which was able to weave in & out of the lorries causing the jack knife that led to multiple deaths .

Jackson Doctor acted to save life Jury told

2011-11-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

Just like Frankenstine every mad doctor has to create a monster 'Dr Murrays ' was 'Michael Jackson' who's grotesquely disfigured face was made up of so many body parts he didnt recognise himself in the mirror, strong sedatives adminsitered by 'Dr Murray ' were the only way 'Jacksons ' My Hyde character could sleep which gave the pop star some respite from his nightmares .

When finaly 'Dr Murray ' began to realise what a monster he had created just like 'Peter Cushing ' in all those 'Hammer house of horror movies ' it was time to do something about it full of remorse by creeping into the Jackson monsters bedroom where he adminstered the lethal injection .

By putting the Jackson beast down in this way 'Dr Murray ' was both acting in a humane way on behalf of the 'Jackson family ' and saving more kiddies from abuse .

Tories carry a Torch for everyone

2011-11-07T12:08:00.000-08:00

Politicans & bankers are to be made to carry the Olympic Torch around Britian as punishment where they will be pelted with eggs & house bricks depending on the area or how hostile the on lookers are.

The peoples Olympic Torch route has been carefully chosen to aviod any council estates or built up inner city areas as the natives arent too friendly especially as the cost of back handers from local communties & businesses who wish to have their area included en route is expected to be high .

In Ancient Greece where the Original Olympics began corrupt senators & criminals were made to carry a Torch filled with hot coals around the Olympic stadium behind the real Olympic Torch where angry mobs would pelt them with stones & rotten fruit .

In ancient Rome unpopular Emporers would frequently provide funds to hold Gladitorial events in what became known as 'Bread & Games ' in which the angry mob were subdued with the promise of Bread & Corn given out free to the waiting crowd & poor along with sacrifical offerings in the arena .

The London 2012 Olympic games are seen as cynical Tory propaganda to instill false joyalty into the people of the UK after the Austerity cuts which have wrecked peoples lives in fact' Cameron' himself has commisioned a number of street surveys to judge the mood of the country .

Nazis 'Ian Duncan smith ' newly appointed to head the Governmants 'Ministry of Misery ' has been quoted as saying " he wants to see a return to the days of poverty & the Victorian work house " if anyone appears to be happy or seems to being enjoying life especially those on benefits they will sent to the camps .

UK uncut & other anti cuts groups have planned a course of cival dissobediance along the route of the Torch Anharchists protesters will line the streets & block the route in an attempt to embarrass the Governmant whilst the world is watching simular to the protests that occured during the Chinese Olympic Torch procession .

Government to create 30,000 jobs for migrants

2011-11-07T03:04:00.000-08:00

The new HS2 link will help create over 30,000 jobs mostly for manual workers & Orish Labourers who will be employed to hand dig the Railway link to the North

The high speed rail link will be the biggest project in the country since the coming of the Railways in mid 1800s & cutting of the canals which imported thosand of Orish Navies to graft & hand dig the routes .

Back then there was a recession too & with help of engineers 'Matthew Bolton ' & 'Thomas Telford ' it helped get the country back onto its feet or rather onto a set of wheels .

When the Railways were originaly biult in 1850s there was much hostility to it around the country but eventually land owners came around to the Railways way of thinking ,back in those days first & second class were for Gentry whilst third class passengers were treated like cattle jammed into open trucks exposed to the elements toilet facilties were either a bucket or passengers shite over the side .

Fast forward over 160 years and things have improved a lot thanks to 'Richard Branson ' & his new Virgin fleet of Trains which are now thankfully covered with a roof which is a mayor advance in technology ,sadly passengers are still jammed like sardines & treated like cattle but at least the practise of shiting shiting over the side has stoped which has now been replaced with a hole in a water closet .

Smoking Joe not so hot

2011-11-06T04:05:00.000-08:00

Boxing legend & terminal punch bag 'Joe Frazier ' has liver cancer 'Smoking Joe ' who recently taunted fellow super slob 'Muhammed Ali ' when Ali was hit by a bout of ill health claiming he was fitter than Ali simply because he suffered less in the ring .

'Joe Frazier ' reported the first signs that something was wrong when he felt 'a rumble in the gut ' after discovering from Doctors something was wrong he recieved a phone call from heavy weight 'George Forman ' who once claimed he was going to have 'Fraziers ' head surved on a platter is offering support & sent one of his 'lean fat Grills' around ideal for cooking Liver or kidneys served with a nice Chiati with Red Beans .

The 'Lean fat ' Grills have helped 'George ' stay fit by trimming any excess fat from his waist line and adding pounds to his bank account .

Fifa ban is Poppycock say England

2011-11-06T02:36:00.000-08:00

The England football team have been refused permission to wear poppies on their shirts for the forth coming friendly against spain the plan was to sell anougher 100,000 england shirts to gulable fans part of the profits would have gone to pay 'Capellos ' final pay off when his contract runs out .

Fifa say the poppy is not recognised in some parts of Europe including Spain who refuse to acknowledge WWll & deny it ever took place the 'Poppy ' is considered an insult in some parts of the country esp' the Basque region where it is worn in the hair as protest .

Fifa say that the wearing of symbols on shirts could start a worrying trend amongst footballing nations with the Spanish being allowed to wear Bulls or Donkies on shirts or even the USA putting 52 stars on shirts to represent the American flag .

Iranian women football team faces the lash

2011-11-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

The Iranian ladies football team is to recieve 75 lashes each for immoral conduct during an on pitch goal celebration after fisting the air in the joy of scoring a goal a woman striker was accused of commiting an act of Lesbianism which is a sin gainst both 'Allah ' & their husbands ,who are the only ones allowed to do the fisting .

As human rights groups protested the Iranian Government insist the team have got off lightly as the punishment for playing away is stoning !!.

British Mission to Mars heroes return

2011-11-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

Coalition return from a succesful mission to Mars where the on going experiment lasted well over the expected 100 days where the crew found out what conditions were like living on anougher planet & experianced life living in their own cacooned world cut off off from normal everyday life .

'Dr Who' Licenced to print money

2011-11-04T03:22:00.000-07:00

In the latest Bond Movie Producer 'Barbra Broccoli ' has tried to make it as realistic as possible by calling in writers from 'Dr who ' to take 'James Bond ' back to his roots and it promises to be even more like the orginal 'James Bond ' movies from the 1960s .

After Ditching writer 'Ian Fleming ' in the past few Bond movies this film goes back to 'Ian Flemings ' orginal book 'Dr Who ' which was its orginal title but it was retitled 'Dr No ' & actually re written by 'Fleming ' who also wrote childrens TV series 'Dr who ' ,so it could be made into the first Bond film.

It was thought that the orginal story in 'Dr Who' was too far fetched which included Time Travel ,Robots & wierd monsters and the 1960s movie goers wasnt ready for it so Producers went with the format of a bloke in a suit with pork pie hat who poked every woman he met & killed badies & in true British style always defied the odds to come through which was more believable in 1960s culture.

In this latest effort Bond played by 'Daniel Craig ' goes back to the 1960s after stumpling across a Time Machine invented by 'Q' where he meets the other five 'James Bonds ' played by 'Shaun Connery ' 'Roger Moore ' 'Pearce Brosman ' & the other former 'Bond but noone can remember his name .

All of them are engaged in a last man standing battle to prove once and for all who was the best Bond & answer the question that has been on Bond fans minds for the past 50 years but without revealing too much of the plot the film finishes with a grand finale with all the 'James Bonds ' forced to battle it out during cage fighting contest.

What ever the crap that this film dishes up the public will believe it & has continued to do so over past 50 years 'James Bond ' was murdered back in 1980s when 'Roger Moore' the last Bond that had any credibilty was replaced by Guns ,explotions & PC correctness .
.

Teachers warn teenagers not to mix pleasure with Drinking

2011-11-04T02:45:00.000-07:00

Teachers are to bring Alchol into class rooms to warn pupils of the dangers of using mixers with their booze as it can drasticaly reduce the potentacy levels

The kids are to be taught 'Alchol management ' & warned that mixing pleasure with drinking can have adverse side effects for many children ,Alchol is an initiation right they are not supposed to enjoy it throwing up is a normal side affect of drinking and nothing to alarmed at !! .

Just like the accent to puberty the body goes through many changes whilst under the influance of Alchol & blood poisoning is just one of them binge drinking is more than a hobby for some kids its a way of life .

Banning kids from Drinking will only drive them underground forcing them to brew their own in ilegal Liquor stills ,already the price of Alchol has risen out of range of thier pocket money this has resulted in a rise in after school chemistry classes .

Home brew experts have been invited into classes to give advice & tips on making the purfect Brew

Lynda Bellingham's assets still in high demand

2011-11-03T02:39:00.000-07:00

Lose woman & Actress 'Lynda Bellingham ' who has spent a liftime getting her tits out for both TV & stage is to get her Breasts out yet again to appear in the stage version of 'Calendar Girls ''

Lynda 68, has been getting her tits out on cue for most of her carear now the former OXO star who appeared as a respectable mother in the now cult OXO gravy adverts during the 1970s/80s one of the rare occasions she actualy kept her clothes on, has been doing nude scenes for decades .

During the 1970s she appeared in such cult TV classics such as 'The Sweeney ' and its forunner 'Minder' where she played 'Denis watermans ' girl friend & the soft porn films 'Confessions of Driving instructor, she was in such high demand for her nude work she was known as 'Tits up Lynda ' by producers .

Linda in her oxo days

Lynda ' a former porn star before she became more respectable in 'The Sweeney ' has aged far better than her co star 'Dennis waterman ' and her mature body is still a top draw for younger perves in the stage version of 'Calendar Girls ' she plays the leading role which means full frontal nudity & a double page pullout in the Theatre Program .

Saxon Gold Returns home to South America

2011-11-02T08:59:00.000-07:00

The Staffordshire hoard has gone on international tour to America where it will be featured in a 'National Geographic ' documentary on the Saxon Treasure specially made for American TV audiances & its culture or lack of it .

Just like everything else in the states the program writer doesnt let the truth get in the way of the facts in the Docu' entitled 'Secrets of the lost Inca Gold ' he claims that the Gold belongs to the Americas which was looted from the Incas by the Spanish and shiped to England in 935 AD & never returned .

In his defense he claims that the average American finds history boreing & that any historical facts have to be jazzed up a bit to attract interests from most Interlectually challenged yanks most of whome believe that the Saxon Gold was discovered by 'Tom Cruise ' with help from a Treasure map found in the 'Book of Mormon ' and was buried at the end of a rainbow under a tree.

But its not as far fetched as People of the United States believing that their country is the center of the Universe & won WWll on behalf of the allies and they are Gods chosen few .

Couple die on the way home from Bingo

2011-11-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

A British couple have died in a coach crash on the way home from a mammoth Bingo session it happened on the Road to Mecca a popular club with the local pensioners apparently the driver lost control of the bus after eating a Jedda cheese sandwich .

The passengers had been in a jovial mood & singing songs in a party atmosphere after winning the group jack pot of 1,000 pounds when tradgy struck some of those who were lucky to escape with their lives recall the moment tradgy struck " we were singing our own version of Tony Christe song " recalled one it went something like this

'show me the way to Mecca Bingo every night I cry on my pillow & dream of a big win '
' show me the way to Mecca where Allah waits for me '

This years Top sellling Xmas Toy

2011-11-02T02:35:00.000-07:00

This years top selling Xmas Toy is an Orange & a spinning Top not seen in childrens Xmas stockings since victorian times & during second world war the shiny new penny is also a Top seller espicially amongst Grand parents who harken for the days of poverty & the way it used to be the last Time a Tory Government was in charge of the country in Pre Labour days when there wasnt an effective opposition and the Land Barons were free to roame ...

Parents whos kids have everything are going back to the days of Thrift & object poverty mainly due to the reccession this Christmas in a growing trend amongst the Educated middle classes to teach their kids about world poverty & the social awarness of other poorer peoples plight like those on Benefits .

The must have Toy in victorian England

The useless lump of plastic mascarading as a Toy often made in China for a few pennies is now being replaced by a lump of clay which can be made into almost anything by childs hands & at pottery classes.

Most plastic Toys given as presents on Xmas day always end up in the bin by Boxing day despite some of them costing a considerable amount of money in Toy shops but very little to make in chinese sweat shops .

This years Xmas could see a return to more traditional kiddies Toys like an Orange , Bannana or other fruit as most kids are unaware what real food looks like as part of the 'five a day ' Rickets & TB are also making a come back with 'Head Lice ' a popular pastime during the 1900s where both parents & children played together with a simple comb to find as many Lice .

John Terry claims Racist comments aimed at Ref

2011-11-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

Chelsea footballer 'John Terry ' whos racist comments were picked up on TV cameras & over heard by Dyslexic lip readers claims in his defense the comments were aimed at the Ref...

The 'N' word & 'The Bsterd in the Black' are common names aimed at the man in the middle even though these days the Ref very rarely wear Black having been forced to wear any manner of colours to help stamp out racism .

In his defense his hypocritical Black team mates have said they dont mind the word 'Black ' being used in the dressing room as most of them cant understand English & for 200,000 grand a week the fans can call them any thing they like Bwana !! .

John Terry ' has agreed to attend a Racist awarness course where the talk will be given by 'Ron Atkinson ' to make himself aware of the dangers of Racism on the football field .

Council Bin men to Strike over being forced to use Brooms

2011-11-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

Birmingham city council Bin Men are to take industrial action after employers are forcing them to clean up after them selves on rubbish collection rounds new rules state that all Bin Trucks have to carry a shoval & broom to clear up the mess they leave behind them when collecting house holders black bags .

Union Members not only want extra money for their workers to operate the new utensils but are also demanding danger money one Bin man said " some of our members especially the young ones dont know what a broom is or how to use it " he added " not only is this an issue for health & safety but these tools can be dangerous in untrained hands ".

Birmingham council has the largest collection of Bin Men or 'wasters ' in the whole country whome the public have little respect for after the council awarded them huge bonuses many householders accused the 'Bin Men ' of Dirty tricks during a strike last year when workers employed SAS style tatics to sabotaged Bin Lorries that were being used by agency staff after part time casual workers brought in were collecting three times as many bags as the bone idle regular wasters .

Councillors have also called for the removable of 'special bonuses ' & the reintroduction of a Austrity linked bonus scheme not used since the 70s ,where 'House holders ' award 'Bin Men ' an Xmas box as an appreciation of the service they offer ,which understandably would mean most would go home with very little in their pay packets .

Doctors told to respect Elderly ....is that ok dear !!

2011-11-01T02:15:00.000-07:00

UKs Gps have been told to talk to their elderly patients in plain English & not their mother tongue after complaints from 'Age concern ' & Extra care

With more Doctors coming into the country from overseas like Africa & Asia with a very poor knowledge of 'Queen English ' its getting increasingly difficult for patients including the Elderly to understand them .

GPs of foreign extraction have poor bedside manners & are used to working in third world countries like the UK but there is not much call for Tropical deceases like maleria or Bush sickness in most UK surgeries .

NHS have sent out booklets to over seas GPs with a number of useful phrases commonly used when dealing with the elderly which include " Good morning Dear how are you today " or " its bit nippy today have you got your winter wollies on " words spocken loudly & clearly can go long way in making a patient feel secure.

With 80% of Doctors from the Asian sub incontient or Pakistan & India now working in Britian being able to look the patient in the eye & show some interest in the job without mumbling in the mother tongue should be priority before any medical skills .

Man who posted Girlfriend pics on facebook most popular man in prison

2011-10-31T13:18:00.000-07:00

A jilted Boyfriend who was jailed for posting nude pics of his Girlfriend on facebook has become the most popular man inside with inmates queing up to not only share a cell with him but also Trade Tabbacco with him in exhange for pics of her .

Not only that but his Girlfriend has suddenly aquired 1,000 new pen friends with requests for VOs or visting orders along with more photos from lonely Lags doing time as she has become the most popular pin up queen in the entire prison .

Miss Willis, was not available for comment last night but is understood to be considering offers of modeling work from mens mag 'Razzle ' in its readers wives section .